Dave Barry Quotes

A secret society within a secret society.

When the cow jerks away, it’ll yank the door open.”
“But what’s going to make the cow jerk away?” asked Little Richard.
“You’re going to milk it,” said Slank.
“But I don’t know how to milk a cow!” said Little Richard.
“Exactly.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

Why don’t you lift the end?” said Alf.
“It’s me back, Alf,” complained Mack. “You know how it troubles me.”
“No more than mine troubles me,” said Alf.
“But I said it first,” said Mack.

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.

Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.

… nobody loves you the way your dog loves you. When you’re with your dog, you may mentally be elsewhere, but your dog is not; your dog is always right there with you. When you’re gone, your dog is waiting for you to come back, so it can be with you again. Because being with you makes your dog happier than anything else.

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

Land!” shouted Thomas.
“Is there food?” asked Tubby Ted.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals like Hydrogen and Oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality.
“You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?”
“Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.”
“Do you,” said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?”
“No,” said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.”
“Oh,” said Leonard, looking very alarmed.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'how'.

Someone was tapping on the window.