Dave Chappelle Quotes

The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person, so they're crazy." That's bullshit. 'Cuz people are not crazy. They're strong people. Maybe the environment is a little sick.

Phew. Well, it's the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of... rape and dick breath. The fuck has been going on out here? Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can't get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. It's going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. Charlie Rose? Who's next, Captain Kangaroo? Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I've been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. It's really some scary shit.

There's more shootings than I can literally count. You can't even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting nowadays. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, "Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department ever had to make." I said, "Well, you're about to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati."

Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall."

Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? "Where was the secret serum?" is what we all said. I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa. They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC. I didn't even know CDC saw patients. There, it was said, they administered what The New York Times called "a secret serum." I don't know what's in it. It's just like Colonel Sanders' recipe. But both of these motherfuckers survived. These doctors, thank god, are healthy. They are out there somewhere tonight, at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around. Everything's okay. "Hey, Frank. How are you?" "Oh you didn't hear? I had Ebola last week. But uh, I'm doing alright now. I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I'm okay." What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some vicks on that nigga's chest. "Good luck, little buddy."

I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don't get to see my kids so much. I do Chappelle's Show twenty hours a day, sleep for like, half an hour, raise my kids for ten, twenty minutes, and then I go back to work. Now, this particular day, I got to hook up the kids, we went to Disney World. Everybody at the park, fucking everybody, was like "Hey! Hey! I'm Rick James, bitch! Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch." It's like, "Hey man, hey, you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? Time out, motherfucker. Can we take a day off?" Even Mickey Mouse did it. I said, "this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life." I was fed up. I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut. Bop! Knocked his head clean off. Everybody was screaming. "Oh my god, oh my god! Mickey Mouse is Mexican!"

Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. ... Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. It's true. I see this shit in the magazines, I don't read them but I be seeing the cover, I'll be in the grocery store, fellas look at one of them magazines like, "What is this?" And it says on the cover: "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Get out of here, man, come on. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and that nigga gonna be happy!

White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who's he voting for, like, "Hey, Bob, uh, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um, I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And I mean, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you voting for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions."

You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? That shit is wild shit. It's some wild shit. I mean, like, I was with my nephew. We sittin' there, we watchin' Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I say, "Now pay attention to this guy, 'cuz he's funny. I used to watch him when I was little." And we watchin' Pepé Le Pew and I'm like, "Oh, man, what kind of fucking rapist is this guy? Like, take it easy, Pepé." My nephew was sittin' there crackin' up. "Heh, see, sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé!" I was like, "No!" I had to turn the channel real quick. I turned it on Sesame Street. I said, "Oh, phew. Sesame Street. This is much better 'cuz now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got a character on there named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helping me." Then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."

"Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, are you an Indian?" And he was cool. "Yes. Yes, I'm an Indian." Still didn't believe him. I had to test him to be sure. This is fucked up, but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket, so I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor. And a single tear came out of his eye. I said "oh, shit!" I had so many questions.

I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don't know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside, with a note written on it that said "Gotcha." Oh, my god. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadn't seen a tape in, like, over a decade.

You ladies were right. To be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17, and I couldn't even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one o'clock in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life, because I'd never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, "Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they'd kill me for it." Then I thought, "Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?" That's what women are dealing with. I'm gonna tell you right now, this is real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, "Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn," I'd be like, "Nigga, I can't accept this."

My parents did just well enough so that I could grow up poor around white people. To be honest, when Nas and them talk about the projects, nigga, I used to get jealous. Because it sounded fun. Everybody in the projects was poor, and that's fair. But if you were poor in Silver Spring, nigga, it felt like it was only happening to you. Nas does not know the pain of that first sleepover at a white friend's house. You'd come back home on Sunday and just look at your parents like, "Y'all need to step your game up. Everything in Timmy's house works."

Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word thirty years before she had a show. I don't know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, "I'm gonna get you for this, bitch." That shit came back thirty years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren't, like, that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, "well, how is this bitch gonna call me a nigger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That's not fair."