John Oliver Quotes

And you might be thinking: "Why are you telling me about any of this right now?" Well, first: I dunno. The world’s a pretty shitty place right now. Do you not want to be told about Mr. Panda? Would you rather talk about how someone managed to get a semiautomatic rifle past the Secret Service? Or are we allowed to have some fucking fun for a second?! Please! Let me! Have this!

Okay. I don’t usually do this, but I want you to pause this right now, and write down what you think you just saw. I don’t want to do this for you, just write down what you feel you just witnessed there, then come back and I’ll tell you what I think, okay?

There are so many things we, as Americans, do have to resign ourselves to: airline cancellations, a national anthem with too many high notes, Glen Powell inevitably starring in a Field of Dreams remake. We can’t fight those things. But we can, and must fight this. And at the end of this week, it should be clear to absolutely everyone: it doesn’t matter if Trump and his party say they have a "new tone" or nominally call for "unity," or throw a cute dog onstage for some reason. They have told us who they are, they’ve told us what they want, they literally put it on a sign and waved it in everyone’s face. They’re trying to win this election by pointing a finger at immigrants, and the only appropriate response is to take a cue from the so-called "symbol of the Biden presidency" and say "fuck that shit!"

So, what can we do? Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re currently four months out from an election, so just assume that the underlying “what can we do” for most of our U.S. stories from now until then is going to be “do not vote for Donald Trump again.” That seems like that should be barely worth saying, like “drink water” or “go to the dentist,” but it does bear repeating because… Be honest: when was the last time you drank water? Or, indeed, went to the dentist? Exactly.

The thing is, if you want to prevent crime and death, that’s a great idea, and there are absolutely ways to do that. But when you draw a circle around a few members of a particular group—especially one identifiable by race or nationality—then generalize about what this means about all of them, no matter what you say, you’re not having a reasoned debate about crime or safety. You’re being racist.

I do not like that man, Ted Cruz. I do not like his toxic views. I do not like his nasty speeches, I do not like the shit he preaches. I do not like him when he fishes, I do not like him when he kisses. Pulling off that beard, he ain't. That man, Ted Cruz... looks like a taint.

If you’d asked me, “What’s next to this guy, just out of the frame?” and gave me a thousand guesses, there is no way I’m saying, “a lumpy bulldog lounging in an armchair like it’s being interviewed at the 92nd Street Y.” And don’t drag a bulldog to the RNC. Life’s hard enough for them. To have the soul of a wolf trapped inside the body of a wrinkly bowling ball? To be inbred over centuries into the perfect genetic car crash? That dog doesn’t deserve to be made into a prop at the RNC, it deserves a rawhide bone and an apology from humanity!

[You] expect to see certain things at the RNC -- elephant logos, cowboy hats, a massive spike in Grindr usage -- but "a message of unity" is not something traditionally associated with that event or indeed, this man!

The UK managed to kick the Tories out after fourteen years, France narrowly managed to keep the far-right out of power, and Kendrick Lamar released a music video for the spectacularly hostile "Not Like Us" on the Fourth of July, and that is the end of the good things that happened.

If a wild badger broke into your home and fucked everything up for 14 straight years, tearing everything apart, you can argue about redecorating choices later, right now, that badger’s got to fucking go. And I will say, if the U.K. can successfully rid itself of the Tories next month, that’s not cause for a shrug, that’s cause for a celebration. And I know that celebration’s not something that comes naturally to Britons. The country’s most famous motivational slogan is “Keep Calm and Carry On” and even that morale booster basically amounted to, “I know you’re about to die, but there’s no need to make a scene.” That was supposed to get us through World War II! But if Britain can extricate itself from the party whose unremitting cruelty has stained the last decade and a half of British life, that does deserve to be marked.

But that is the natural endpoint of austerity right there: punishing people for circumstances completely beyond their control. And Sunak is now promising to introduce what he calls the next generation of welfare reforms, including yet more cuts, justifying it by saying, “I worry very much about benefits becoming a lifestyle choice.” Which is a rich fucking statement from a rich fucking man who’d probably go into anaphylactic shock if he ever had to fly coach.

The thing about denying the press is there is, the press tends to catch you doing that, because the press is fucking there!

Do you know how much of an out-of-touch wang you have to be for people to think your whole vibe can be summed up by the word "rich"? Elon Musk’s the richest man on Earth, and it’s not even the first word that comes to mind when I think of him. That’d be "apartheid". It’s also not the first word that comes to mind when I think of Bill Gates. That would be "how-many-times-was-he-on-Epstein's-plane" which counts as one word if you say it really fast.

[Do] you have any idea just how unlikable you have to be to get milkshaked? No one just casually has a milkshake on their person, or thinks "I better grab one in case I encounter any assholes today." No, they think "You know what I haven't had in a while but deserve? A milkshake. A treat." Yet despite that, Nigel Farage is clearly so much of an asshole that this hero was willing to get rid of her possible birthday milkshake having decided "this is a better use of it."

Like many things, the way Britain operates is "kind of like the U.S., but whimsically worse."