"Acidophilus milk"?! What the fuck are you talking about?! "Acidophilus milk"?! Milk doesn't need a friend! That shit belongs in the yogurt section! … - Lewis Black

And then the next morning, I awoke at 8 o'clock and turned on the TV, and watched as my beloved country... lost its goddamn mind. There they were, every news station: "HOLY GOD! Did you see what happened at the halftime show yesterday?! Janet Jackson's breast was exposed, it was horrifying—let's take a look at it! It was terrible! Let's look at it again! It was disgusting! Can we see that tit again? The Goodyear Blimp flew over and we got a shot of the tit right from the Blimp, let's look at that tit! It's 5:02, we haven't seen the tit since 5:00, let's look at that again!" And then Congress—which doesn't do SHIT—stops on a dime! "HOLY GOD! Did you see the tit?! Let's talk about the tit!" And they locked themselves in, and they probably got huge pictures of the tit so they can get a closer look at the tit—"See how big that tit is?! It's insane how big that tit is!" They spent so much time looking at that tit that I actually thought Osama bin Laden was hiding in it!

Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, "Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!" And then it gets warm and he goes, "Well, fuck, time to wake up!"

I was amazed to realize that we're the only country that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that... is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office and there was someone there who came in every day and said "I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIFFLING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHAHA!", I can guarantee by the end of the week... you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just to try to possess his power!