I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. - Louis C.K.

'Fuck it.' That's really the attitude that's keeps a family together. It's not 'We love each other!' It's 'Fuck it.'

Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.

When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.