Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you’ll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that’s really hard to come ba… - Louis C.K.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

I'll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That's stupid, because it's not-- You know when you're watching the World Series and there's all that-- Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off. Don't yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me... This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you f-yourself because, that's selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It's got nothing to do with you. Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing.