I am expecting a strong turnout of Conservative MPs at PMQs today [...] Not only to demonstrate their strong support for #Boris!! BUT also to prove t… - Michael Fabricant

A friend of mine is Matthew Parris (the newspaper columnist) who breeds llamas [...] And Matt had a llama called Darren. Incidentally he names his llamas after the first person of the same sex as the llama who sees them. Darren is the local plumber.
Unfortunately Darren took a shine when he reached puberty to his auntie Vera… Vera being a cleaning lady when she's not a llama. So there was a real concern that they would end up with a llama with two heads as a result of an incestuous relationship.

Serious questions will need to be asked about the manner in which the investigation was conducted. These were no jurists as was apparent by the tone of the examination. The question of calibre, malice and prejudice will need to be answered now or by historians.

Now, when the Sochi Games started I did a few tweets pointing out that Russia had a very crude and outdated legal system in its attitude to gays. And someone tweeted at me asking "are you gay or are you just pretending to be?"
And I thought well, I could ignore this, but then again what the heck and I had this picture of Darren. So I tweeted: "What I can reveal is that I'm having an affair with a llama. But I won't say if it's a boy llama or a girl llama."