When once your foot enters the church, be bare.
God is more there, than thou: for thou art there
Only by his permission. Then beware,
And make thyself all reverence and fear.
Kneeling ne’er spoil’d silk stocking: quit thy state
All equal are within the church’s gate.

Lesson one: If you're ever in a beautiful cathedral, take your hat off!

If I'm an ass, I should say so. If I don't, somebody else will. If I say it first, that disarms them.

Look, Father, I don't think you're being straight with me. I want to join your Church and I'm going to join your Church, but you're holding too much back. I've had a long talk with a Catholic-a very pious, well-educated one, and I've learned a thing or two. For instance, that you have to sleep with your feet pointing East because that's the direction of heaven, and if you die in the night you can walk there. Now I'll sleep with my feet pointing any way that suits Julia, but d'you expect a grown man to believe about walking to heaven? And what about the Pope who made one of his horses a Cardinal? And what about the box you keep in the church porch, and if you put in a pound note with someone's name on it, they get sent to hell. I don't say there mayn't be a good reason for all this, but you ought to tell me about it and not let me find out for myself.

Yeah, what are you doing, father? Keep your hands to yourself, man! Wanna do something with your hands? Stick them up the pope's ass! It's one of the new fucking rules, OK?

I have been informed that some masters come to St. Mary's, and stand or sit there bare in sermon time, not out of any devotion, but only to hide their hats... [R]equire every of them to look strictly to their several charges, and to assist you in all things according to the statutes in the university; in which if any man shall fail, I shall take it so much the worse from him, as there is greater necessity to hold up good order in the brokenness of these times.

Do not sleep under a roof. Carry no money or food. Go alone to places frightening to the common brand of men. Become a criminal of purpose. Be put in jail, and extricate yourself by your own wisdom

I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends. Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall! As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church! But if you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no fucking way, pal! You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fucking asshole. And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal!

If you rise in life, you have to behave a certain way. You can go to a strip club if you're a beer-swilling sand shoveler, but if you're the bishop of Boston, you shouldn't go.

When I am here I do not fast on Saturday; but when I am at Rome I do: whatever church you may come to, conform to its custom, if you would avoid either receiving or giving offense.

You’re not supposed to see your country’s most famous author [J.K. Rowling] in the audience watching you. You’re supposed to look down at that point and realize that you’re naked and then wake up.

If it became customary to go out into the street stark naked I should not be the first nor the last to conform.

When you enter a church building, you are coming into the presence of our Father in heaven; and that thought should be sufficient incentive for you to prepare your hearts, your minds, and even your attire, that you might appropriately and properly sit in his presence.

It is difficult to say how deep is your faith and how deep is your preparation for this service. It is not that for the first time, someone will go to the altar. But you have to make a certain preparation, to know how to behave, what are the different actions, language, signs used in the Liturgy, the meaning, so that only once you are prepared, you can be fully at the service of the Lord.