We certainly showed those Afghanis for what those Saudis did. But hey, can’t shit where you eat, you know? - Marc Maron

There is no way I was buying my wife a fucking gun, because, let's be honest, there is no way I wasn't getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta like me saying "Y'know, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise."

The FBI and the CIA, I really thought they had everything under control. I thought they knew what was going on with everybody. I thought they had a camera in the air in a satellite right now taking very accurate pictures of my prostate. I thought they had that kind of technology. I thought they knew everything about everybody, but it turns out they’re really no different than many other government bureaucracies, say, the Post Office or the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just, uh, you know, 50-60 year old men waiting for their pensions to kick in. Except for the three that let the attack [9/11] happen. They’ve been promoted.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.