Personally I wish the police had truncheoned the English fans to death, but I can’t really say that on the record. - Tony Banks, Baron Stratford

He was a fairly competent chairman of Housing [on Lambeth Council]. Every time he gets up now I keep thinking, "What on earth is Councillor Major doing?" I can't believe he's here and sometimes I think he can't either.

I could have been a serious athlete, only to have my promise cut short when I discovered Woodbines and women. Thankfully I have long since given up the former, and the latter have long since given up on me—except, of course, for the lovely Lady Stratford, who for reasons beyond my comprehension still tolerates my presence.

Living proof that a pig's bladder on the end of a stick can be elected to Parliament