I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. - George Carlin

Everyone appreciates your honesty, until you’re honest with them. Then you’re an asshole

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs...it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"... it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS".