People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. - Dave Barry

In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.

Who are you?” he said. “And why are you shouting?”
“I’m your first officer, sir,” said Slank. “Mr. Slank. I’m just relaying your orders to the crew.”
“Ah,” said Pembridge.
“The aft binnacle has been cast off, sir,” said Slank.
“The what?” said Pembridge.
“The aft binnacle,” said Slank. “As you ordered.”
“I did?” said Pembridge, squinting suspiciously. “When?”
“Just now, sir,” said Slank.
Pembridge blinked at Slank.
“Who are you, again?” he said.
“You first officer, sir,” said Slank.
Pembridge blinked again.
“My head hurts,” he said.
“Perhaps the captain would like to go to his cabin,” said Slank.
“You don’t tell me was to do,” said Pembridge. “I’m the captain.”
“Yes, sir,” said Slank.
“I’m going to my cabin,” said Pembridge.

Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality.
“You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?”
“Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.”
“Do you,” said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?”
“No,” said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.”
“Oh,” said Leonard, looking very alarmed.