It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself. - Daniel Handler

A newspaper, as I'm sure you know, is a collection of supposedly true stories written down by writers who either saw them happen or talked to people who did. These writers are called journalists, and like telephone operators, butchers, ballerinas, and people who clean up after horses, journalists can sometimes make mistakes. - Lemony Snicket

Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.

Get out of my way, you cakesniffers! -Carmelita Spats