This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democ… - Gracie Allen

Of course, it goes without saying that every candidate must be progressive, fearless, vigorous, and liberal; invincible in victory and invisible in defeat, awake to the needs of the people whether they know what they know what they need or not. You should also come from a good family, because while breeding isn’t everything, it is said to be lots of fun. George Burns — that’s Mister Allen — was saying the other day that to be President of the United States you also have to have brains, integrity, ability and intelligence, but I think he was just trying to talk me into it.

You remember me. I’m Gracie Allen. I’m the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring. Furthermore, I’m the only candidate who got the idea of running myself. All the others had to have somebody else think it up for them, or anyway they say the only reason they’re running is because their many friends kept after them and after them until they finally gave in.

The masses demand a fighting President, and that means you’ve got to offend somebody, because the way I see it, a strong offense is the best attack. So what can you offend? That’s an easy one. Offend the other candidates, because they’ll be too busy talking to hear you, and besides, they might not vote for you anyway.