[about how the Earth was created] And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reac… - Lewis Black

So I went down to Verizon, and I got myself a Droid. (audience cheers, and then laughs as he gives them an incredulous look) Don't you ever... ever... applaud an inanimate object again.

I was amazed to realize that we're the only country that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we are the greatest country on Earth. And that... is a little fuckin' obnoxious. And I know it's obnoxious, because if you were in an office and there was someone there who came in every day and said "I'M THE GREATEST FUCKER HERE! AND YOU SNIFFLING SHITS WOULD DIE WITHOUT ME! AHAHAHA!", I can guarantee by the end of the week... you'd have killed him, and eaten him, just to try to possess his power!

I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.