I hate people at Halloween they don’t carve their pumpkin out, they’ll just like paint a face on it; you know what I’m talking about? But some people… - Kyle Cease

I hate whenever you go into a coffee shop, no matter what you order they have their own way of calling it to the back. Like you could be like, “Hi, I’ll have a tall mocha iced latte blended fun.” And then the lady’s like, “BLEEUH!, anything else?”

Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, “What do you got to drink in the fridge!?” Like so excited about the crappy fridge, and then they go to the fridge and its like, “Well, we’ve got some soda, some purple stuff, SUNNY D!!!” It was always there, behind Brand-X soda and some purple crap, that they couldn’t even identify. Of course you’re going to pick Sunny D, that doesn’t mean it’s a good drink you guys. If you came to my house and you’re like “What do you got to drink?!” and I’m like “Well, we’ve got some ketchup, some gravy, my grandma’s piss, SUNNY D!!!” You’d be like, “Is there any lead in your water, because I hate all four of those.” That should’ve been their slogan, “Sunny D, for when your choices are even worse than Sunny D.”
Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s asshole, didn’t it? Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like “I like the taste of orange juice AND baby medicine, can we combine that?” That would taste like shizzie nizzie, that’s rap for shit.

Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today. She was helping retards and one of them exploded." And i thought that was so hysterical. and then he calls me up later and is like, "do you think this is true?" "yes, craig. exploding retards is a huge epidemic in our country.