Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. - Dave Attell

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’"

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.