Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. - Dennis Miller

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel."