Dave Barry Quotes

The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.

You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.”
“I forgot,” said Molly.
“You forgot?” said Leonard.
“There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.

If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.

“Know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think Dad and Uncle Canaan would’ve loved this.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. This was their whole business model. Taking money from tourists for complete bullshit.”
Ken laughed. “True.” He looked at Brad. “So you’re saying I was right? My idea? That you said was so stupid?”
“I still think it’s stupid,” said Brad. “But I guess, these days, stupid is what works.”

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Two invasive species in particular have caused serious concern: Burmese pythons, and New Yorkers. The New Yorkers have been coming for years, which is weird because pretty much all they do once they get to Florida is bitch about how everything here sucks compared to the earthly paradise that is New York. They continue to root, loudly, for the Jets, the Knicks, the Mets, and the Yankees; they never stop declaring, loudly, that in New York the restaurants are better, the stores are nicer, the people are smarter, the public transportation is free of sharks, etc. The Burmese pythons are less obnoxious, but just as alarming in their own way. These are snakes that started out as pets of Miami residents, until one day these residents stopped smoking crack and said, "Jesus H. Christ! We're living with a giant snake!"

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

It was the standard airport-security operation, which meant it appeared to have been designed to hassle law-abiding passengers just enough to reassure them, while at the same time providing virtually no protection against criminals with an IQ higher than celery. (Chapter 11)

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

Here's the problem: A lot of parents are insane. You may be one of these parents without knowing it, because the craziness takes over you gradually.

I can stop wasting the dwindling minutes of the only life I'll ever have obsessing over past events I can't do anything about, and future events that might never happen. I can teach myself to focus on the only time that matters, which is this moment right now, and use this precious time to appreciate, to cherish, the people I love.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

“But why? I mean, no offense, but this whole thing—the monster, the video you made—it’s stupid. And it’s obviously fake. Everybody can see it’s stupid and fake.”
Ken shrugged. “So?”
Brad gestured at the parking lot. “So why are all these people here?”
“Because everybody else is here.”
“But it’s bullshit.”
“Yeah, but it’s their bullshit. To these kids everything is bullshit, but at least this is bullshit they can be part of.”

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Monica was glad Walter was married, so she didn't have to go into any of the other reasons she didn't want to get involved with him, such as the fact that he had the intellectual depth of mayonnaise. (Chapter 7)