126 Quotes Tagged: humorous

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

"But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."
(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

Don't believe everything you see on the internet

Don't that make your bosom plim?

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

She would seize every opportunity to dive into the bathroom, in a swirl of white towels, and once in there she was as hard to dislodge as a limpet from a rock.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

"You might want to lie down," Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in."

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

O Lord! he concluded, forgive all these trespasses. Lead me not into Penn Station.

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

There was only one thing about his own appearance which really pleased Hercule Poirot, and that was the profusion of his moustaches, and the way they responded to grooming and treatment and trimming. They were magnificent. He knew of nobody else who had any moustache half as good.