David Letterman Quotes

It's interesting about life. You learn things over that you already learned. And then you forget, because you're drawn to the mundane so you can't be sucked into the reality, the drama, and the ugliness that can be provided by life. So, you're drawn toward the mundane.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA—just by dialing any number.

Nice job…what the hell is U2 supposed to play?

Don't confuse cancellation with failure. Although this is also a failure.

All right, that's pretty much all I got. The only thing I have left to do, for the last time on a television program: Thank you and good night.

Hey, John, I got a question! You need a ride to the airport?

Mia Hamm: So we walk in to the sorority house and they're (their families and friends) just ripped. I mean they're going nuts.
David Letterman: Wow I like the sound of this already; the female soccer team in the sorority house. Noow we're gettin' somewhere.

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour…religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

David Letterman: Earlier today, the man who owns this network, Leslie Moonves—he and I have had a relationship for years and years and years—and we have had this conversation in the past, and we agreed that we would work together on this circumstance and the timing of this circumstance. And I phoned him just before the program, and I said, "Leslie, it's been great, you've been great, the network has been great, but I'm retiring."
Paul Shaffer: This is—really?
David Letterman: Yep.
Paul Shaffer: This is—this is—you actually did this?
David Letterman: Yes, I did.
[dead silence in the studio followed by nervous laughter from the audience]
Paul Shaffer: Well—do I have a minute to call my accountant, because…I, uh…
[Dave cracks up]
David Letterman: I just want to reiterate my thanks for the support from the network, all of the people who have worked here, all of the people in the theatre, all the people on the staff, everybody at home. Thank you very much. And what this means now, is that Paul and I can be married.
[uproarious laughter and applause as wedding chimes play]
David Letterman: So we don't have the timing of this precisely down, I think it will be at least a year or so. But sometime in the not too distant future—2015 for the love of God, in fact, Paul and I will be wrapping things up and taking a hike.
[studio audience goes wild, gives him a standing ovation]
David Letterman: Thank you, thanks everybody. All right, thanks very much.

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

How long have you been a black man?

Nothing—believe me—nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

What is this, Vassar?!