George Carlin Quotes

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.