George Carlin Quotes

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

"People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

We are a nation of sheep, and
someone else owns the grass.

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.