John Waters

I stopped taking drugs when I realized that pot smelled bad and LSD trips were becoming like TV reruns. I had had enough inner journeys — I felt I knew myself well enough, thank you.

The nonexistent gods above will ignore our prayers better this way.

Nothing shouts midlife crisis louder than driving a convertible.

Everyone's sex life is funny except your own. Every person's is, and yours never is. The lengths people go to — and the extremes and the conditions and the mental exercises and guilt and shame and happiness that everybody goes through — and what they'll do for sex is never-ending and mind-boggling and very interesting to me. And I don't think a lot of times people choose any of it.

Read to make yourself smarter! Less judgmental. More apt to understand your friends' insane behavior, or better yet, your own.

Wealth is walking into any bookshop and buying any book you want without looking at the price tag.

"The only insult I've ever received in my adult life was when someone asked me, "Do you have a hobby?" A HOBBY?! DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING DABBLER?!"

She’s never really hungry. That would be weak. Oh, she knows she needs fuel. Why do you think they invented crackers? That’s all she eats. Not the cheap ones. No Ritz or saltines for her. The good ones. From Eddie’s on Charles Street. Or Graul’s in Ruxton. Imported. They turn to waste quickly and quietly. In. Out. Little pellets that leave no trace or mess. She remembers to flush the already-clean water in the house’s toilet several times a day just so it will be pristine enough to receive her regularly scheduled but oh-so-spare eliminations with the proper hygienic welcome.

I would never want to live anywhere but Baltimore... It's as if every eccentric in the South decided to move north, ran out of gas in Baltimore, and decided to stay. No one moves here.

Nothing is more impotent than an unread library.

To me, bad taste is what entertainment is all about. If someone vomits while watching one of my films, it's like getting a standing ovation. But one must remember that there is such a thing as good bad taste and bad bad taste.

Contemporary art hates you.

To me, camp is two older queens talking about Rita Hayworth under a Tiffany's lampshade.

I’m rich! I don’t mean money-wise. I mean that I have figured out how to never be around assholes at any time in my personal and professional life. That’s rich.

Wouldn't you rather your kid be a drug dealer than a drug addict?