Woody Allen Quotes

I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I read in self-defense.

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,