That's why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I … well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She g… - Bill Hicks

They say rock and roll is the Devil's music. Well, let's say that it is - I've got news for ya - let's say that rock and roll is the Devil's music and we know it for a fact to be absolutely unequivocally true... boy, at least he fuckin' jams! AHAHAHAHAHA - okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes or eternal heaven and New Kids on the fuckin' Block? I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rockin' out! High fiving Satan every time I pass him on the fucking shore. Because, you know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards, they sound better, you know. "Oh come on Bill, they're the New Kids! Don't pick on them; they're so good, they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for our children!" Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fuckin' ROCKED! I don't care if they died in a puddle of their own VOMIT, I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS FROM HIS FUCKIN' HEART! "Mommy! Mommy! The man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose" SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY. "The New Kids! Hi, we're the New Kids! We're so good and clean cu- [strange, loud satanic noises] We're so clean cut - SIEG HEIL! HEIL! HEIL! - A good clean country - HEIL! HEIL HEIL! [more satanic noises] FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCKSTARS DEAD!!! I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go "Hope you enjoyed the show!" [mimics gunshot to the head] YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! PLAY FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAAAAARRRRRRRT! Ahem, I am available for children's parties by the way.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.’ ‘Wow! Did you see the news?

There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.