Doug Stanhope Quotes

Old people are getting into fights now in town hall meetings about health care. You don't fucking deserve it! Everyone else has health care, "But we need health care. Canada has health care, everyone else does..." You think Americans deserve health care? Have you looked at this fucking horrible fat fuck country? Slovenly, sedentary lazy fat fucks! You don't even try! Once you get free health care, "Oh yeah, fucking Sunday afternoon, buy four stuffed crust Cheesy Bread Cheese pizzas, and you'll get a Meaty Meaty Pork Pie Pork Bacon pizza for free with 12 Cinna-loaves!' [imitates glutton sounds, stuffing his face] "That's a pretty good deal!" [more gluttony sounds] "You know, what else we need is free health care, too!" [more gluttony sounds] "My diabetes is so bad, I can't even feel my feet!" [more gluttony sounds] "I have open fissures in my leg muscles so deep you can put your whole finger there!" [more gluttony sounds] "Who's gonna pay for my amputation?!" [more glutton sounds] "If I was in Amsterdam, they'd pay for my amputations 'cause they have free health care..." You know what else they have? BICYCLES! And they use them! [briefly sings "Entry of the Gladiators" / "Barnum and Bailey's Favorite" theme] You get nothing free. You gotta try on your own a little bit! We live in a country where the face of fitness is Jared from Subway! That's your goal! It used to be like Jack LaLanne or Charles Atlas or some shit, dragging a tugboat with his teeth across the Hudson river. Now it's some guy that's still kinda fat. He's not as-fat-as-he-could-be fat, or he-used-to-be fat, but he's still kinda fat. That's what you should aspire to! You wouldn't fuck Jared with the lights on, c'mon! That's your goal? That's awful! You can't give Americans free shit 'cause "free" is used as such a buzzword for gluttony. Like it's been used in advertising so much. "Buy one, get one free," "free with purchase," "free samples" at the grocery store... "Oh, Black Forest Ham! I never tried Black Forest Ham!" [more gluttony sounds] Turn your hat backwards so they don't recognize you when you go back! "Vermont cheese, what's that?" [more gluttony sounds] They do the same shit with free health care! "They said it's free, let's get something fucking checked. I got an itch, or a scratch, or a bite or a lump. Let's get this checked out! Doctor, I got a spot! Check it out for free!" "It's a fucking coffee stain! It's not even on your skin, it's on your shirt!" "Well, let's get a biopsy of that! That could be precancerous, right? It's free — get my money's worth..."

New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole. It's like, there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy. "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend eight thousand dollars a month for nine square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — 'cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it.

Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie. If you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.

The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.

If you listen to anyone bitch about the economy for long enough, just let them talk, ;cause you'll eventually hear why it's exactly their fault. And not just Wall Street people, just dumbfucks at a lunch counter in Flint, Michigan. "I'm just a simple man, with a simple wife and four simple children, and I just want an honest day's work. Y'know, Obama's exporting all or jobs overseas, now I can't even find work." You sad motherfucker– Hang on a second! Did you just say you had four children?! Wait, wait, you have four children? In Flint, Michigan? ...Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid? The average cost to raise a single child to the age of seventeen is now $227,000. Almost a quarter of a million dollars! You have four of the fuckin' things! In Flint, Michigan! ...Next time you hear some sad sack on 60 Minutes bitching about how he got fucked over by the economy, instead of children, imagine he said quarter of a million dollar toys, fuckin' boats and... "Yeah, when they started laying off people in the late '80s, I made it through the first round of cuts. I said, 'Baby, I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, so let's get a quarter of a million dollar Lamborghini.' And then I got the pink slip, got a six-month severance package, so I said, 'Okay, baby, we're really on shaky ground now, we'd better get a beach house and a speed boat.' And now I can't even find work because of Obamanomics. My wife's pregnant with a quarter of a million dollar who-knows-what-it's-gonna-be. I'm a victim." No, you're a gambling addict! You made a million dollar wager, and ya lost! You made a million dollar wager, on spec, with no money in the bank to back it up, and now the mob is comin' to take your thumbs!

At least black people knew when they were slaves. You remain clueless.

Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not "yeah" for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the "federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy". "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built!" — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard — and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets?

With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.

Does anyone get upset that George Bush keeps quoting the bible in all his fucking speeches? Does that get on anyone's last nerve? Does it ever occur to him that it's all those stupid fucking religions that start all this shit in the first place? National day of prayer? Fuck you! You think you're doing something? You're not. You can sit at home and cry jinx and keep your fingers crossed, too; it does as much good. You wanna pray? Pray all day. Pray on your own time. You wanna help? Grab a shovel and start digging there, pinwheel, 'cause it looks like your god takes Tuesdays off.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating.

The thing with the word "retarded" is that "retarded" is not like other epithets, it was not a word of hatred. Retarded was the medical definition, was actually a word actually born in sensitivity. 'Cause they used to call them, before retarded was the word, doctors would use "imbecile" or "moron". This is something a smart fuck at Harvard has labelled "The Euphemism Treadmill": moron and imbecile were the correct terms for a while, and what happened is we co-opted those words to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid, to the point where it became an insult. So out of sensitivity, they changed the word to "retarded"... and what happened was we co-opted that word to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid. So you can keep changing the word, and if you make the new one stick, that's what I'm going to call my friend. "Did you just put a metal plate in a microwave? What are you, developmentally disabled? You don't fucking put a metal plate in a microwave, who doesn't know that?" You can make it as difficult to pronounce and Latin-based and medical-rooted, and if you make it stick, that's the new word I'm going to call my friend when he trips over his own shoelaces: "Ha ha! You just exhibited some of the atlantoaxial instability that is usually associated with the trisomie 21 genetic imbalance!"