I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. - Doug Stanhope

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go, "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white. I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."

It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.