Doug Stanhope Quotes

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go, "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white. I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."

The thing with the word "retarded" is that "retarded" is not like other epithets, it was not a word of hatred. Retarded was the medical definition, was actually a word actually born in sensitivity. 'Cause they used to call them, before retarded was the word, doctors would use "imbecile" or "moron". This is something a smart fuck at Harvard has labelled "The Euphemism Treadmill": moron and imbecile were the correct terms for a while, and what happened is we co-opted those words to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid, to the point where it became an insult. So out of sensitivity, they changed the word to "retarded"... and what happened was we co-opted that word to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid. So you can keep changing the word, and if you make the new one stick, that's what I'm going to call my friend. "Did you just put a metal plate in a microwave? What are you, developmentally disabled? You don't fucking put a metal plate in a microwave, who doesn't know that?" You can make it as difficult to pronounce and Latin-based and medical-rooted, and if you make it stick, that's the new word I'm going to call my friend when he trips over his own shoelaces: "Ha ha! You just exhibited some of the atlantoaxial instability that is usually associated with the trisomie 21 genetic imbalance!"

New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shithole. It's like, there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy. "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend eight thousand dollars a month for nine square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — 'cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Old people are getting into fights now in town hall meetings about health care. You don't fucking deserve it! Everyone else has health care, "But we need health care. Canada has health care, everyone else does..." You think Americans deserve health care? Have you looked at this fucking horrible fat fuck country? Slovenly, sedentary lazy fat fucks! You don't even try! Once you get free health care, "Oh yeah, fucking Sunday afternoon, buy four stuffed crust Cheesy Bread Cheese pizzas, and you'll get a Meaty Meaty Pork Pie Pork Bacon pizza for free with 12 Cinna-loaves!' [imitates glutton sounds, stuffing his face] "That's a pretty good deal!" [more gluttony sounds] "You know, what else we need is free health care, too!" [more gluttony sounds] "My diabetes is so bad, I can't even feel my feet!" [more gluttony sounds] "I have open fissures in my leg muscles so deep you can put your whole finger there!" [more gluttony sounds] "Who's gonna pay for my amputation?!" [more glutton sounds] "If I was in Amsterdam, they'd pay for my amputations 'cause they have free health care..." You know what else they have? BICYCLES! And they use them! [briefly sings "Entry of the Gladiators" / "Barnum and Bailey's Favorite" theme] You get nothing free. You gotta try on your own a little bit! We live in a country where the face of fitness is Jared from Subway! That's your goal! It used to be like Jack LaLanne or Charles Atlas or some shit, dragging a tugboat with his teeth across the Hudson river. Now it's some guy that's still kinda fat. He's not as-fat-as-he-could-be fat, or he-used-to-be fat, but he's still kinda fat. That's what you should aspire to! You wouldn't fuck Jared with the lights on, c'mon! That's your goal? That's awful! You can't give Americans free shit 'cause "free" is used as such a buzzword for gluttony. Like it's been used in advertising so much. "Buy one, get one free," "free with purchase," "free samples" at the grocery store... "Oh, Black Forest Ham! I never tried Black Forest Ham!" [more gluttony sounds] Turn your hat backwards so they don't recognize you when you go back! "Vermont cheese, what's that?" [more gluttony sounds] They do the same shit with free health care! "They said it's free, let's get something fucking checked. I got an itch, or a scratch, or a bite or a lump. Let's get this checked out! Doctor, I got a spot! Check it out for free!" "It's a fucking coffee stain! It's not even on your skin, it's on your shirt!" "Well, let's get a biopsy of that! That could be precancerous, right? It's free — get my money's worth..."

2013 Moore Oklahoma Tornado. "If you think that didn't take balls, you've never been to Oklahoma. Saying 'I'm an atheist' in Oklahoma is like screaming jihad at airport security. That took some nuts. If you watch the footage, all the other victims are on the news thanking Jesus for only killing their neighbors and not them, while a crawler is on the screen telling me where I can text money to help them out. Fuck them. I don’t want Jesus getting credit for my 50 dollars. I’ll help that other girl out, that CNN's exploiting. Hell yes! She ain’t got no Jeebus. She gonna need money. So I did. I started an indiegogo fundraiser account and atheists ended up ponying up over 126,000 dollars just for little old her...and I couldn't get the smile off of my face for a week. I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shit destroyed by a tornado. I did it simply to be a prick to her okie Christian neighbors, hoping that they were still eatin off of FEMA trucks when someone drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard check. It's funny how hate can make you do real nice things every now and then."

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!

Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system. What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care, and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that. Well, what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid? Every time you have a kid, because it's American, I should pull up a chaise lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Oh, I can't wait to pay for these! They're American! I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can't wait to pay for your fucking fat-headed midwestern kids. Love it! I'll take a second job.

You wanna feel bad for someone in a down-turned economy, I'll give you someone...prostitutes. Because a prostitute doesn't have that same "worst case scenario" B-plan that we all enjoy. No matter how shitty things are going for you on the job, "Danny, if they lay off anymore people, I'm gonna be out on the streets sucking dick for a living. I got nothin' else. I'm serious." Hooker doesn't have that same safety net. Hooker's already out there, sucking dicks.

I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it.

[on Keynesian economic theory as applied to private sector independent contracting] "Ask Milton Friedman's dead Jew corpse what he thinks about the current economic crisis, and he will tell you... You better strengthen up your shit-pussy, baby!

I'm kinda out of shit. Not in this set, I mean I have some stuff I put on paper. But in the long term, I think I'm outta shit. [I'm] fucking cannibalizing my own— seventeen years, how much more do you have to say? If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. [...] Every time an artist dies young - Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people, "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go, "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you know what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Super Bowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?

You know the funny thing about child pornography: [...] the lack of credits at the end. No ego on that side of Hollywood, is there? "Who did the editing on this film, it's seamless! I want to use him on my independent documentary!" But no names. Not even a nom de plume. Some people are in it just for the art.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.