I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it. - Doug Stanhope

America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.

The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally - before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in - and I've never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an "early grave," I'm more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you're afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical masks in elevators as they might see me when I'm pouring booze down my head on stage.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.