America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good. - Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!