We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. [loud cheer] Yeah. You could be man of the year or woman of the uni… - Dane Cook

So I'm hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people you've known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that you've hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what I've realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. There's one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when she's not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, she's such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then you're like: "Hey what's up Karen? Kaaaaren, what's up Karen?" There's always that one person and I'm looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well you're the person...you're the person nobody likes."

I looked at him and I went [sternly] "Uh, God bless you." Yeah. I said it like that. I said it like, "God bless you." Which, you know, is God bless you, but it kinda sounded like "Cover your fucking mouth." [loud cheer from audience] Yeah. Incognito. I turned to the guy. I say-I say God bless you, by the way, when someone sneezes. I don't say bless you. I don't say that because...I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...I'm just a messenger for big guns up stairs, ya know what I'm saying? And I never go with gesundheit. I don't who even says that. If I say gesundheit, I'll feel like I'm honoring Hitler. Like I should go like, [Nazi salute] "GESUNGHEIT!" I end up on the History Channel because a guy sneezed.

Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin' 80?!