Lee Evans Quotes

We don't get telly round our way, sir! Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do… No, we all came on the same coach, sir… Norwich, that's us, sir. There's a bloke on the fifth row going You're gonna die now, sir, you are!

You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

Luv can we off off, not off off but fuck off.

In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"

I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!"

Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun!

Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [heroic American accent] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A LOO IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS."

My wife, she is a beautiful woman, but in labour she turned into fucking Jack Nicholson from The Shining. "You. You fucking did this to me!" "But I thought it was a shared experience" "No. You fucking did this!"

All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your room!" And you're, like, [high-pitched voice] "Nah! Fucking nah, Dad! [imitates smoking] Things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.

Some footballers earn a fortune. 30 grand, 40 grand, 90 grand a week, some of them. And then they say stuff in interviews like "I'm not really enjoying the football at the moment." Not enjoying the football? 90 grand a week? I'd be fucking delirious with it! I wouldn't just hug somebody for scoring a goal, I'd shag 'em.

[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself prepared and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!"

I was thinking to myself out there — well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you?

What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well, they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some bloke's covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in, they're like that: "Grrr, GAAAH, FUCKING-" [imitates chopping motions] Soon as you walk in they're, like, "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van, the freezer lorry? They get out a side of cow. Where's the other side? Is there, like, a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing?

I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!"