Lee Evans Quotes

The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that..."

The post is all messed up! Remember when it was so easy? You posted a letter, the post office just went woof, and it was away. Not now, they're all differant companies. It's like Parcel Force! Parcel Force? "PARCEL FORCE! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! PARCEL FORCE! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! WE WILL GET THIS PACKAGE TO YOU!" Fuck off!

TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself prepared and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!"

[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

I was thinking to myself out there — well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you?

It's like unison, "Welcome to speech therapy, all together!"..."NAOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!"

They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know. They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm loving this shit they're coming out with! You got the Chinese bellowing out shit for coal-fired power stations, the Americans are driving about in 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree, but they reckon if I switch off this little standby button on my TV...

In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"

My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

People tell me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's good for you." You know what I say to that? "Fuck off."

Luv can we off off, not off off but fuck off.

Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [heroic American accent] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A LOO IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS."

You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what they fucking said!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like, "Feels like a Tuesday. Does it feel like a Tuesday? Yeah, feels like a Tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does Tuesday feel? They're like, "It's half past five, but it only feels like twelve." Fucking hell, do these people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

We don't get telly round our way, sir! Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do… No, we all came on the same coach, sir… Norwich, that's us, sir. There's a bloke on the fifth row going You're gonna die now, sir, you are!

I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!