Billy Connolly Quotes

I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck".

No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Your parents choosing your fucking marriage partner - don't be ridiculous! Fucking stupid! "That's her over there, son." "Which one? They're all the fucking same, dad! Black with a wee fucking window!"

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people"

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

Don't vote, it just encourages them.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

[stamps his foot, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well!

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."