Billy Connolly Quotes

53 fucking virgins! [laughs] The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present, it's not a prize - it's a punishment! Give me two fire-breathing whores any day of the week! I'm a slut man!

Christians shouldn't be allowed near rock and roll. It's not for them! It's not fucking for them! They should all join the Brothers of the Beige or some fucking thing - "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony." The fucking...! You see them - Christian rock! Is there such a fucking absurdity in the world? [makes screeching noises imitating a metal guitar, then speaks quietly] "He is my saviour!" That's not rock and roll! That's Youth Club Table Tennis fucking crap! Rock and roll is [shrieking] "I AM THE DEVIL AND I WANNA FUCK YOUR MOTHER!"

I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!

[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you.

I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Religion is over, lads, it's fucking over. Take your reformation, your Vatican, your fucking Mecca and fuck off. Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea! Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short! Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor: "Right, lads, I'm only going to show you this once..." Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read, how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you gonna shag them when you're now flying mince?!

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people"

Don't vote, it just encourages them.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

[to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage.