Billy Connolly Quotes

I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.

Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!

My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

Don't vote, it just encourages them.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.