Top 15 Billy Connolly Quotes

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.

Poos himself on stage, classic Billy

We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.

[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.