Bill Bailey Quotes

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.

God, I'm in the same studio as de Burgh! He may have stood right where I'm standing now... and just thought his mad thoughts. Like "I am brilliant."

This is a song inspired by the work of Phil Collins; the nasty, whining little git.
Ch. 36, 1:18:46

Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle]
Ch. 4, 08:18

(Song for Prince Charles, performed with Robin Williams on We Are Most Amused (2008))

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it.
'Beards' (track 12) 5:29

(Quoting his three year old son on a James Blunt song) "Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain"

Who photographs kebabs?

[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?

Milton Keynes: Satan's lay-by.

And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that.

Juxtaposition, you can't handle the juxtaposition!