Bill Bailey Quotes

[Singing as U2, in Irish accent] Hello! Some old Celtic bollocks!

(after Phil Jupittus had insulted Michael Jackson, and David Gest had said 'be nice!') Aw, be nice to the baby-dangling freak.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

(Commenting on band The Killers' lyrics from the song 'All These Things I've Done') Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

C'est lui, dans la nuit- Docteur Qui</br>Il voyage dans le Tardis. La boite de telephone fantastique d'espace!</br>L'interieur est beaucoup plus grand que l'exterieur</br>Et ça, c'est le mystere de Docteur Qui</br>L'enemie, il s'appele Davros, le capitain des Daleks</br>Il est demi-Dalek et demi-homme- incroyable!</br>Il veut contrôler le monde, toujours contrôler le monde</br>Il se leve le matin, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Apres le petit-dejeuner, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Mais il ne contrôle le monde jamais! Ce n'est pas tres realistique</br>Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superieur.</br>"Exterminez-vous! Exterminez-vous encore! Ah, zut alors! Nous sommes perdus!"</br>Le docteur gagne, il rit 'Ha, ha, ha- j'ai gagné parce que je suis Docteur Qui

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

(On bizarre Conspiracy Theories)</br>- Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away</br>- There are tiny cameras in ham...They're called 'Hameras'

And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that.

Where did we all go wrong? The insects used to be our brothers. Along came pesticide And on that day our friendship died And pouring boiling water down ants nests couldn't have helped.

There’s this one celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: “I don’t know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it’s full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! "Speaking as a mother".

BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?</br>Various Audience Members cheer</br>BB: What kind of guinea pig? </br>Muffled suggestions from audience members </br> BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! (Imitates guniea pig owners) "I dunno, some brown thing...". So what breed? </br> Audience Member: Crested! </br> BB: (misunderstands) A what? A crusty...a crusty guinea pig? (Imitates owner) I think you should take it to the vet as soon as possible! "Gah, it's crusting over again, it's crusting up Captain!!" (understands) Ah, crested? What you have there is a newt I think, madam! Some bloke in a pub sold you that! (as man in pub) "Yeah, that's a crested guinea pig, they're lovely, them..."

This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

So go into your local branch of UBS, and say "I'd like to open an account please.", and when they say "What with?" take out a loud hailer and say "NAZI GOLD! Just like you did!"