Bill Bailey Quotes

Arbroath; it was the scariest heckle I ever had. Arbroath, I don't know if you've ever been - very very cold throughout the year, and I was pacing up and down, primarily to keep warm really, I was freezing. And this chilling voice came from the back of the room, it just said "Stand still"... [mimes holding a rifle]
Ch. 4, 08:18

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Beautiful ladies in danger. Danger all around the world. But I will protect them, because I am Chris de Burgh!<br/r> Beautiful ladies in emergency situations.<br/r> Beautiful ladies are lovely but sometimes they don't take care
They're too busy with their makeup and combing their lovely hair<br/r>To take basic safety precautions<br/r> But I will protect them I will save the pretty ones<br/r>With their smiles and their beautiful eyes<br/r>But let the ugly ones die<br/r>I have no place for them in my new world order<br/r>I won't waste my seed on hideous trolls<br/r>Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls<br/r> hunt them down there shall be no clemency<br/r>Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls<br/r>Look under the bridges that's where they hide<br/r>That's where they hide<br/r>And beauty shall be my bride.

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Creationists mainly are Americans who think the world was created in 1982 to coincide with the rise of Supertramp, but you can very easily dispute this by playing some of Supertramp's earlier albums.

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

[Singing as U2, in Irish accent] Hello! Some old Celtic bollocks!

Milton Keynes: Satan's lay-by.

C'est lui, dans la nuit- Docteur Qui</br>Il voyage dans le Tardis. La boite de telephone fantastique d'espace!</br>L'interieur est beaucoup plus grand que l'exterieur</br>Et ça, c'est le mystere de Docteur Qui</br>L'enemie, il s'appele Davros, le capitain des Daleks</br>Il est demi-Dalek et demi-homme- incroyable!</br>Il veut contrôler le monde, toujours contrôler le monde</br>Il se leve le matin, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Apres le petit-dejeuner, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Mais il ne contrôle le monde jamais! Ce n'est pas tres realistique</br>Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superieur.</br>"Exterminez-vous! Exterminez-vous encore! Ah, zut alors! Nous sommes perdus!"</br>Le docteur gagne, il rit 'Ha, ha, ha- j'ai gagné parce que je suis Docteur Qui

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Man streckt die linke Arm ein, die linke Arm aus Eis, aus, ein, aus Man schütteln alles rund Man macht das Hokey-Kokey und man dreht sich herum Das ist die ganze Sache Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Knien gebogen, Armen gestreckt Ra, ra, ra

(after Phil Jupittus had insulted Michael Jackson, and David Gest had said 'be nice!') Aw, be nice to the baby-dangling freak.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

When I was a child, I was terrified by this. (plays theme from The Magic Roundabout ) It was very sinister, wasn't it? It just went on and on, like Dante's seventh circle of Hell. I recently found out there was a secret middle section deemed unsuitable for small children. There's about four hours of this, then it all starts to go a bit weird.
(plays discordant music)
(Booming echoing voice) I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
Ch. 38, 1:24:37

And if it all goes horribly wrong we've still got Argos. Don't you just love Argos? With the Laminated Book of Dreams. You know why it's laminated don't you? To catch the tears of joy! (mimes turning pages, crying) "So many beautiful things! I cannot possess them all! Quick, stock check! Beep beep beep". It's like the ultimate betting shop, isn't it? The tiny little pens, the slips of paper, but everyone is a winner! And then you have the staff there, the pale mythical wardens of the treasure.