Bill Bailey Quotes

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. I actively seek it out.

They will take us And they'll make us Human slaves! In an Insect Nation!

You knew exactly who the good guys were and who were the bad guys just by the chord: the good guys got a perfect fifth - strong, compassionate - the bad guys got an augmented fourth... Just a semitone, but sometimes in life when you make the wrong choices, it's just a semitone out.

BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?</br>Various Audience Members cheer</br>BB: What kind of guinea pig? </br>Muffled suggestions from audience members </br> BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! (Imitates guniea pig owners) "I dunno, some brown thing...". So what breed? </br> Audience Member: Crested! </br> BB: (misunderstands) A what? A crusty...a crusty guinea pig? (Imitates owner) I think you should take it to the vet as soon as possible! "Gah, it's crusting over again, it's crusting up Captain!!" (understands) Ah, crested? What you have there is a newt I think, madam! Some bloke in a pub sold you that! (as man in pub) "Yeah, that's a crested guinea pig, they're lovely, them..."

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

(Commenting on band The Killers' lyrics from the song 'All These Things I've Done') Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

The Chaucer Pubbe Gagge

Man streckt die linke Arm ein, die linke Arm aus Eis, aus, ein, aus Man schütteln alles rund Man macht das Hokey-Kokey und man dreht sich herum Das ist die ganze Sache Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Ja, das Hokey-Kokey Knien gebogen, Armen gestreckt Ra, ra, ra

(On bizarre Conspiracy Theories)</br>- Countries are actually closer than you think...Pilots just fly aeroplanes around longer to make you THINK they're far away</br>- There are tiny cameras in ham...They're called 'Hameras'

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

I was like you once, Tim. Blonde hair, scraggly beard, child-like ears. Full of beans and spunk. I once punched a bloke in the face for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish... but that's not the point, Tim. The point is, I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity when what I should have said is "Dad, you're right. But let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later."

Anyway, beards and drugs leads me neatly to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century? Nobody seems to know or care. That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

You picked me up from school You attended all my sporting functions You bought me a car Gave me use of a credit card But how can I feel pain, How can I feel pain, How can I feel pain When you're being so supportive?

(Quoting his three year old son on a James Blunt song) "Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain"

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
Episode 1, 1:36