Bill Bailey Quotes

There’s this one celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: “I don’t know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it’s full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! "Speaking as a mother".

C'est lui, dans la nuit- Docteur Qui</br>Il voyage dans le Tardis. La boite de telephone fantastique d'espace!</br>L'interieur est beaucoup plus grand que l'exterieur</br>Et ça, c'est le mystere de Docteur Qui</br>L'enemie, il s'appele Davros, le capitain des Daleks</br>Il est demi-Dalek et demi-homme- incroyable!</br>Il veut contrôler le monde, toujours contrôler le monde</br>Il se leve le matin, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Apres le petit-dejeuner, il veut contrôler le monde!</br>Mais il ne contrôle le monde jamais! Ce n'est pas tres realistique</br>Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superieur.</br>"Exterminez-vous! Exterminez-vous encore! Ah, zut alors! Nous sommes perdus!"</br>Le docteur gagne, il rit 'Ha, ha, ha- j'ai gagné parce que je suis Docteur Qui

(Song for Prince Charles, performed with Robin Williams on We Are Most Amused (2008))

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. [seems to drift off in a daydream out of disenchantment, then comes back]

I stole some pins from the noticeboard And pressed them into my hand And they spelled 'why?' Why did they spell 'why'? Because there weren't enough pins for 'oblivion'.

Juxtaposition, you can't handle the juxtaposition!

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently... [Wild laughter and applause from audience]

BB: I'm actually from the West Country...
[solitary cheer from audience]
BB: Hypnotized, or actually? What are you doing here?
Audience member: I had to come.
BB: What do you mean you had to come here? What, you were on some dark purpose?
Ch. 4, 07:38

Creationists mainly are Americans who think the world was created in 1982 to coincide with the rise of Supertramp, but you can very easily dispute this by playing some of Supertramp's earlier albums.

I was like you once, Tim. Blonde hair, scraggly beard, child-like ears. Full of beans and spunk. I once punched a bloke in the face for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish... but that's not the point, Tim. The point is, I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity when what I should have said is "Dad, you're right. But let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later."

Anyway, beards and drugs leads me neatly to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century? Nobody seems to know or care. That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

It's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"