Billy Connolly Quotes

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.

I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.

Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!

That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!

You've made a happy man very old.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people"

(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.

There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.