Craig Ferguson Quotes

[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!

By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.

[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.

I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.

[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.

America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream.

[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!

In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.

[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.

That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!

[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]