Craig Ferguson Quotes

Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!

[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.

Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.

Always laugh second.

I can't live by your rules, man!

He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.

It's a great day for America, everybody.

High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.