Craig Ferguson

By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.

Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof.

By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.

They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...

Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.

[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?

That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

Always laugh second.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.