Craig Ferguson Quotes

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Remind you of anyone?

Between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.

[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.

Always laugh second.

Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!

You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!

Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.

Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.