Craig Ferguson Quotes

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!

[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!

[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.

[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...

I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.

[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]

Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!

Between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.

Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)

The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass.

Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.