Craig Ferguson Quotes

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.

There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.

[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.

Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Welcome back, my naughty donkeys.

Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

I can't live by your rules, man!

In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil. … The show has been running in Britain almost fifty years, with many different actors in the role of The Doctor. … One thing is consistent though and this is why the show is so beloved by geeks and nerds — It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! Intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! And if there is any hope for any of us in this giant explosion in which we inhabit then surely that’s it: Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism!

You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.

[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...