Craig Ferguson Quotes

Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.

Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy?
Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week.
Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert.
Hugh Laurie: Therapy?
Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week.

As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!

I can't live by your rules, man!

Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.

It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].

Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.

[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...

America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream.

I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.