Billy Connolly Quotes

My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?

I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Don't vote, it just encourages them.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.