I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!" - Lee Evans

Why are all the dogs at dog shows really nice dogs? You never see a pit bull with a ribbon 'round his head, going "If you say one fucking word..."

This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!"

Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun!