You know, you get these people that are, like, "Here, I was talking to her on Monday... Was it Tuesday? Was it Thurs-?" "Who cares? Just tell me what… - Lee Evans

TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself prepared and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!"

We don't get telly round our way, sir! Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do… No, we all came on the same coach, sir… Norwich, that's us, sir. There's a bloke on the fifth row going You're gonna die now, sir, you are!

What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well, they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some bloke's covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in, they're like that: "Grrr, GAAAH, FUCKING-" [imitates chopping motions] Soon as you walk in they're, like, "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" You ever seen them unloading the delivery van, the freezer lorry? They get out a side of cow. Where's the other side? Is there, like, a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing?