All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your ro… - Lee Evans

I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be. like, "What you doin' down 'ere? What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?" And they'll get a bit of meat on a stick and go "Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!" And they’ll go "Oh, is that for me?" [pretends to shove meat in shark’s mouth] "You fuckin’..."

In those old hotels, everything creaks: Argh, argh, argh. Even the door: Argh! You can always hear the bloke above you moving around, and when it's three in the morning you turn into his wife: "That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"