There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. - Doug Stanhope

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go, "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good, we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.